No Love with Depression?

Well I've been seeing this woman, Sheri, for almost 4 months now. A few weeks ago, things were going fine, we loved each other, she even mentioned how she couldn't wait to see me and get real hugs and kisses instead of Xs and Os that I had sent her in a text message. You see, we live about 1.5 hours apart, so we see each other on weekends. We were even considering moving in together, just before this.

About 4 weeks ago, Sheri tells me that she needs some time to herself because she felt like she hadn't been spending enough time with her son. Then the next weekend, her son away at his dad's, she tells me she still needs some time to herself because she's feeling depressed and overwhelmed with stuff that needs to be done around the house (as if I'm not more than willing to help and had already done a lot?). The Thursday after that we talked, she still wanted time to herself, I told she seemed to be getting distant and asked if everything was ok between us, she said yes. She further explained that she's really depressed, mentioned thoughts of suicide (been there) as to how serious it was. I told her one story of mine when I thought I was going to do it after a big argument with my dad. I didn't tell her about a couple other times though... but I hoped she knew that I could relate.

So Friday, nothing, no call, no text, no anything. Saturday I text her asking if she's alright, she texts back that she's ok and that she and some of her relatives were burning wood outside. Sunday, nothing. I'm calling, texting, trying to talk to her and getting nothing. I text her on her son's birthday, the next Thursday (Nov. 2) and she replies saying thanks, it was thoughtful of me, smiley face. Ok... One thing I noticed was that she hadn't said or texted "I love you" since the last time we actually talked on the phone. I could tell something was up, I sent a text the next afternoon, Friday, asking if her not talking to me and not seeing meant she wanted to see me anymore, that I didn't want to lose her but I need to know if she wants me out. No reply. Later on I called, no answer. I called again, left a long message about how I love her, and that because I was hoping that we'd one day get married etc., that it especially hurts me that she's not talking to me, is it just the depression, did I make you mad, what? and that if I don't hear back from you soon, I'm coming over there and you can tell me in person... but as I was hanging up my big thumb hit a number and I heard a beep. I figured it went through.

So I drive down there, I think I may have waited at most 10 minutes before grabbing a jacket and taking off. I couldn't take it anymore. Not seeing her or hearing from her kills me. She's so sweet, thoughtful, nice, and overall simply beautiful inside and out, at least when she's not depressed. Oh, by the way, everyone I tell says she's probably cheating or found someone else. It's not like her to lie, and I know she feels the same way I do in that we're not ones to see more than one person at a time. I, personally, find it disgusting but I don't blame other people for doing it. I wish I could, then maybe it wouldn't take me so long to find my soul mate. But here I am, thinking I have.

Anyway, I arrive at her house and knock on the door. She answers... I'm just floored at how beautiful she is. She's not wearing makeup and was painting a room so she wasn't dressed up or anything, but it'd been a few weeks since I last saw her, and I'm telling you, I guess I'd forgotten how physically attractive she is because I'd been so in love with who she is... I guess love can blind out appearances.

So I ask her basically what's going on, why isn't she talking, etc. She tells me she's really depressed, that she's not returning other people's phone calls, that she really just needs some time, and that there's nothing to talk about. I asked her if she'd thought about taking medication again for it, and she said she needs to see her doctor. She had already told me a while ago that she was told she should probably be on antidepressants for the rest of her life, and that she hadn't taken anything since... I think she said since March and this was in September I think.

I was really relieved. I was unhappy that she was so depressed of course, but relieved that it wasn't something like her wanting to break up, which I was prepared to hear. She then talked about a lot of things that had been going on (nothing to talk about?) and we went and smoked a cigarette. We go back inside and in the kitchen we talk more. I tell her I love her and she says "you put me on the spot." Oh god. What the hell. She explains that she doesn't feel like she loves me, that she doesn't feel like she's capable of being in a relationship at this time. I asked if it was the depression, she doesn't know. I ask if it's temporary... she doesn't know. I'm of course stunned, taken aback, and I try to tell her that it really hurts to hear that because I had hopes for us. (Oh, she never got the message I left on the phone, apparently whatever I pressed erased it) I then make my exit, ask for another hug, we hug, tight. I ask for a kiss, she says not a good one, and so I gave her a kiss. As I pulled away I noticed her smiling big. I've seen it before, the smile she has when she's really happy. At least that's what I thought it was. If she has no feeling of love for me and I see that smile... what the hell? Have I been totally duped? Does she still love me deep down inside? Or was she just smiling because I had my eyes closed while we kissed and she peeked? Or have I just been some sort of play thing for her?

Anyway, I can only hope that somehow her depression is what caused her to lose the feeling of love she once had for me. I have to give her time to get her life straightened out, which is apparently fixing up the house enough to where she can come home and relax.

My stepsister told me that it's really hard to love a depressed person because "all they can really think about is their own little world and it's hard for them to focus on anything or anyone else." Makes sense. I've had mild depression all my life, but this is the first time I guess that I've ever really seen full blown depression.

Part of me thinks I'll never see Sheri again, that she'll recover and during that time she'll meet someone new and forget about me. A part of me, to be honest, thinks she really doesn't want to continue with our relationship even if she does get better. I tend to think the worst so that I can be prepare for it since I'm pretty sensitive. But, I've given her a couple of really good opportunities to let me know if she wanted it to end, and she didn't. So, I guess I have a little hope that maybe I won't lose her.

I sent her tulips, her favorite, and she text me saying thanks and that they're beautiful, and a smiley face. I've been good about not calling her, it's hard, real hard, but that's what she seems to want for now.

Anyway, after visiting her Friday night, hearing she doesn't love me, etc., I've been pretty depressed myself. People at work can tell, everyone. Monday night, I prayed to god and just gave him the situation. If it's his will that I be with Sheri, then it will work out. If not, then it won't. I'm not going to worry about it because it's in his hands now. I'll still do my part of course... umm... like sending flowers once in a while, and I think I'm going to write a letter since I tend to express myself better through writing than verbally. I really don't know what to do. I don't understand how a person can suddenly cease loving another. This wasn't some flash in the pan love, it was still growing, slowly, one that lasts if given the chance. I feel like part of my heart has died a premature death. The hurt is so deep... and I have to question whether I'll be able to handle this again if we get back together and she has another episode. I've no idea, but I don't feel like I'll have to worry about it since it seems like she doesn't and may never have really truly loved me... or is that just my own depression talking? Who knows.